You must first learn to pronounce the city name; it is L. A.
The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday, just after noon.
The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, our speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy.'
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L.A. has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Malibu, SUV-driving, cell-phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
If you actually stop at a yellow light you will be rear ended, cussed out, and probably shot.
Never honk at anyone. EVER. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.
Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L.A. and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.
MapQuest does not work here--none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do, and the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.
If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'
If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55 - 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped-off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.
Do not try to estimate travel time. Just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.
And finally, why is the L. A. Freeway called the '405'? Because no matter where you are going, it takes 4 or 5 hours to get there.
Showing posts with label Funny.... Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny.... Show all posts
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 07, 2007
A little presidential humor...
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I would like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You are starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you have only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'.
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. looking up from his menu replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You are starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you have only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced 'quiche'.
Monday, March 05, 2007
How to match job applicants to appropriate positions...
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after an hour. Then analyze the situation:
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
2. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
3. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
6 If they are sleeping, put them in security.
7. If they have broken the bricks into pieces that no longer resemble bricks, put them in information technology.
8. If they are working hard to keep each other from getting any real work done, put them in human resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, make them the union shop stewards.
11. If they are staring blankly out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
12. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
13. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that the candidates can neither see out or hear the cries of others , put them in Congress.
1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
2. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
3. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
6 If they are sleeping, put them in security.
7. If they have broken the bricks into pieces that no longer resemble bricks, put them in information technology.
8. If they are working hard to keep each other from getting any real work done, put them in human resources.
9. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
10. If they have already left for the day, make them the union shop stewards.
11. If they are staring blankly out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
12. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
13. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that the candidates can neither see out or hear the cries of others , put them in Congress.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Its that Time again....
PUPPYBOWL!!!
It was hard to find animal planet...they moved the channel - but THANKFULLY I still get it.
Also - the puppybowl is NOT running all day today as it usually does. So tune in from 3-6pm. I am DVR-ing it so I can enjoy it later
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Spiders On Drugs - Very Funny
| Effects of spiders on drugs. Share Internet Videos With Your Friends And Make money. Details @http://www.thevideosense.com/user/vids/ | |
Monday, August 07, 2006
RULES FOR DRUNK DIALING...
I felt that the dubachery of this weekend warrented the posting of this forward...
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8.You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain to them that I would still love me too!
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8.You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain to them that I would still love me too!
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Fun with Craigslist
So being that I have just moved, I am looking for spanking good deals on Craigslist for some furniture...for anyone who hasn't visited craigslist...It is highly amusing. Today I found the funniest of all the ads, in the FURNITURE section, which I am pasting for you so it doesn't disappear when the ad is taken down...More to come as I find them.
Casket, coffin, NEW,,No longer needed...Reduced price. - $950
2006-06-14, 6:50AM PDT
Thought I was gonna need it but, he paid up in full so his loss is your gain. this is a brand new unit. adult size. the real thing. delivery is available.
this is in or around Anaheim.
Casket, coffin, NEW,,No longer needed...Reduced price. - $950
2006-06-14, 6:50AM PDT
Thought I was gonna need it but, he paid up in full so his loss is your gain. this is a brand new unit. adult size. the real thing. delivery is available.
this is in or around Anaheim.
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