WIT AND WISDOM OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Allie at the Park

I could watch this over and over again!

Birthday....Special? or just another day?

Number birthday today is: 28

Hours spent giving deposition: 3

Phone calls pertaining to resume's I sent out last week/phone interviews: 3

Actual in-person interviews - scheduled very last minute: 1

Amount of errands on my list I got done besides that: 0

Cake? Not that I know of.

Quote by Dave Barry...

"I've never been into wine. I'm a beer man. What I like about beer is you basically just drink it and order more. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, or drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer drinker tend to be a straightforward, decent, friendly, down-to-earth person, whereas your serious wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot."

Funny forward I received today...

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

How to match job applicants to appropriate positions...

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates into the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after an hour. Then analyze the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.

2. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

3. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.

6 If they are sleeping, put them in security.

7. If they have broken the bricks into pieces that no longer resemble bricks, put them in information technology.

8. If they are working hard to keep each other from getting any real work done, put them in human resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, make them the union shop stewards.

11. If they are staring blankly out of the window, put them in strategic planning.

12. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.

13. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that the candidates can neither see out or hear the cries of others , put them in Congress.

I LOVE NEW YORK!!!

And Mom and Dad for once again sending me!! I have cashed in on both V-days Early (Valentines AND My birthday) to find a flight and go to NY for 5 days for only $229 (with all taxes! That is like UNHEARD OF since 9/11)

I get to spend 5 whole days hogging my beautiful niece

I am GIDDY with excitement.

Its that Time again....

PUPPYBOWL!!!

It was hard to find animal planet...they moved the channel - but THANKFULLY I still get it.

Also - the puppybowl is NOT running all day today as it usually does. So tune in from 3-6pm. I am DVR-ing it so I can enjoy it later

Singing, Singing and More singing

Great show last night - CONJOB's return to the OC. Fun crowd, fun set, fun night.

And to top it all off...Gas Light - HERE I COME...what better way to spend a Saturday Night then to go Karaoke.

On that note - anyone bothering to read this probably has some time on their hands - So please click on the below link to help CONJOB win a trip to play at South By SouthWest in March. You have to register and crap, then search for CONJOB, visit our profile, play our music and click "Become a Fan"...when you become a fan we get some serious points.



Sweet....wonder what I should sing tonight....

Bananas

So my sister thinks I am going Bananas. Perhaps…
It doesn’t help that the weather here in Southern California SUCKS! The last few weeks have been COLD, windy, overcast or rainy, etc for all except a few random days.

So I am a little cooped up…Whatever. Here are some lovely statistics that might give you an insight to my insanity.

Number of days since I (voluntarily) left my job, without considering that the end of the year might not be a good time to look for a new job: 102

Number of jobs I have applied to: 1,020 (rough estimate, assuming I applied to 10 jobs a day for 102 days. I could count since I have them all printed in my job hunt binder, but that would take too much effort)

Number of interviews I have had in this time: 13

Number of offers said interviews have yielded: 0 (including Starbucks, who emailed a rejection letter to me apparently when I was walking out of the store, so that it was waiting for me when I got home from the interview. I hadn’t even finished my coffee.)

Number of Temp jobs (in days) my 3 different temp agencies have managed to send me on: 7

Number of days I have been away from Southern California: 22

Number of days I have been cooped up in my apartment (Number calculated by subtracting days away, temping and interviewing from total days since I left my job): 60

Number of Days since I quit smoking: 73 (Yeah me!)

Number of Cigarettes I have had in that time: 0 (YEAH ME! No cheating!)

Number of colds I have gotten since I quit smoking: 2 (both in NY, Thanksgiving & Christmas)

Number of days it has SNOWED in Southern California/LA in this time: 1

Current scheduled interviews: 0
Current scheduled temp jobs: 0
Current scheduled trips: 0
Current number of social engagements whatsoever: 2 (shows with CONJOB)

Number of times this post was deleted before I got it published: 2

Outlook is bleak my friends…bleak…

Allie Walkin

This is one of the 2 videos I got yesterday of my little niece. I love the face that she is making when the video starts. Its just WAY too cute.
She got her ears pierced yesterday. So Cute!

Spiders On Drugs - Very Funny

Effects of spiders on drugs. Share Internet Videos With Your Friends And Make money. Details @http://www.thevideosense.com/user/vids/

Is this LA???

Snow Dusts Malibu, Closes I-5: Is This L.A.?
Daisy Nguyen, The Associated Press January 18, 2007, 5:38 AM PST
A cold storm dusted parts of Southern California with snow, snarling traffic and closing highways, but delighting many residents who raced outside to quickly snap pictures or pack together snowballs before the unusual sighting melted away.
The fast-moving storm that dropped snow in the mountains above Malibu and left streets and lawns in Venice, Westwood and elsewhere covered with ice from hail on Wednesday was the latest blast from a cold snap that has kept California in an icy grip for a week.
The forecast for Thursday called for continued chilly temperatures, with lows in the 30s and 40s.The National Weather Service said the rare wintry precipitation was from an upper-level low moving through the region. Snow levels plunged well below 1,000 feet.
The dusting was an unusual sight for motorists on Kanan Dume Road in the Santa Monica Mountains where it's more typical to see beach-bound cars loaded with surfboards than a snowplow. It's been at least 18 years since some parts of the area recorded any snow.
Architect Doug Rucker was at his home studio located on a mountain ridge at about 1,700 feet near Kanan Dume Road in Malibu. He said snow was "bouncing like popcorn off my lawns.""I went out to take pictures of the snow coming down and after it landed ... It is kind of unusual," he said.
Jen Naylor, a Los Angeles native, rushed to her sister's house in Westwood, where the white stuff briefly accumulated in the backyard.Forecasters say that area was more likely blanketed with irregularly shaped hailstones called graupel that can be confused with snowflakes, but that didn't diminish Naylor's enthusiasm."This was the first time I made a snowman in L.A.," Naylor told the Los Angeles Times. "We used dried cranberry for the eyes and a baby carrot for the nose because it was a baby snowman."...

ummmmmmmmmmmmmm....It hasn't even snowed in NYC yet!

Happy 1st Birthday Allie

I guess this is an improvement...

Drunk people say the darndest things...

A little background:
I regularly have gigs with my band (CONJOB - check us out at www.conjobmusic.com or www.myspace.com/conjob ). Lately we have been in LA a ton. Wednesday evening we had a show at the Key Club for the 2nd round of Bodog's Battle of the bands. (2 of the 10 bands performing advanced to the next round and we came in 2nd and advanced - go us!).

Earlier this year I blogged about how I seriously need to reconsider my role in the band due to some drunken warbles from someone at a show. Once again - a piece of advise/praise was donned upon me without my permission - and again I must say that I adored it...

Drunken foreign guy in bad South American accent of some sort: Hello
Me: Hello (go to end of stage to see what he wanted to tell me)
DFG: I wanted to tell you, You are beautiful and have a beautiful voice...but you are not a dancer.

Now - I was trying to get my crap together and off the stage, and he had a thick accent so I thought perhaps I had heard wrong. I asked him to repeat what he said...he did...I still thought I had heard wrong. So I told him I would speak to him after I packed up my stuff and got back inside the club.

So later, foul-smelling-like-stale-cigarette guy once again told me what I didn't want to hear:

DFG: You are beautiful and have a beautiful voice...but you are not a dancer...you can not dance.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMM....thanks?
I guess I should just be thankful that he didn't think I played the flute.

RULES FOR DRUNK DIALING...

I felt that the dubachery of this weekend warrented the posting of this forward...


1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.

2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"

4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.

5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.

7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8.You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain to them that I would still love me too!

9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.

10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.

11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.

12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".

13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.

14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.

15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.

16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.

17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.

18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"

19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.

20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.

What an idiot!

He infuriates me:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13934199/

This especially infuriates me:

"This bill would support the taking of innocent human life in the hope of finding medical benefits for others," Bush said...

Yes, idiot...Potentially Life saving, life enhancing benefits...Like for those soilders returning paralyzed from the war you started in Iraq..THEY could benefit...or for an unending number of diseases and conditions - many of which also affect CHILDREN.
It just kills me that he uses the excuse/reasoning that using the embryos is the taking of innocent human life when he started a war that has taken something like 2000 American lives now, and killed countless people in Iraq.

I do not ignore the big picture that is the debate of "What is the definition of human life/when is it that a human life begins"....this is something that I believe we studied AND debated in one of my college courses. Personally, I feel that it is better to save and enhance many many many lives through researching the possibilities that stem cells provide, rather than letting the frozen embryo's waste away. If he is so concerned by the miniscule fraction of people who have 'adopted' embryo's, then there can be ones set aside for that - but they aren't going to adopt ALL the embryo's. Besides - I feel there are REAL PEOPLE to adopt, children who have been BIRTHED already. That would be more important in my book then people satisfying their own selfish needs and desires to go through pregnancy.

He is an idiot. Anyone who has an entire book of stupid comments they have made, in speeches - let alone in PUBLIC - should not be the ruler of what is considered (used to be considered?) the most powerful nation in the world.

(For the record - I do disagree with 'fetal farming' - that just sounds gross and immoral and to me seems like it could be compared to inbreeding of dogs...when you mess with that you end up getting defective items)

The last thing left in my home...

My parents sold our house this year. They lived there for almost 30 years and it was the house I grew up in. The new owner is going knock most of it down and build some huge monstrosity on the land.

My parents were all packed up and moved into storage by the end of March, and the closing didn’t end up happening until the 2nd or 3rd week of April (my parents had gone down to Florida). After the closing my sister made a last trip to the house to walk through. She carved our names into the house’s main support beam and walked through the whole thing which was COMPLETELY empty. (for those of you who have been there before you can imagine how strange it must have been, and for those of you who haven’t, picture me…with a house…being there for 30 years and how much stuff I would have).

She was in the basement, in my dad’s workshop – where he had all his shoe repair machines/equipment, and all his tools before they moved. For about 6-7 years when I was younger he ran his business out of that area. On the top shelf, out of her reach, she noticed a piece of paper with the edge turned up. She asked Ian to see what it was. Attached is a picture of what she found.

IT WAS THE ONLY THING LEFT IN THE HOUSE.

Fun with Craigslist

So being that I have just moved, I am looking for spanking good deals on Craigslist for some furniture...for anyone who hasn't visited craigslist...It is highly amusing. Today I found the funniest of all the ads, in the FURNITURE section, which I am pasting for you so it doesn't disappear when the ad is taken down...More to come as I find them.


Casket, coffin, NEW,,No longer needed...Reduced price. - $950
2006-06-14, 6:50AM PDT
Thought I was gonna need it but, he paid up in full so his loss is your gain. this is a brand new unit. adult size. the real thing. delivery is available.
this is in or around Anaheim.

The Joy of Photoshop

This is my beautiful little Niece Allie.

Isn't she so cute...she's all "check me out"

Its the photo that is going to be used on her birth announcement

I saw an opportunity to corrupt her in her infancy

And with a little photoshop....you get.....

Allie the Little Devil!

She has a look on her face like she means to flip you the bird...

So cute and funny!